Too much to bear

Yesterday I had a really frustrating day. All was well until Tobey's diaper change when he showed outright disobedience (the kind where they look at you and disobey right in front of your eyes), raising my frustration and stress level, especially with a sleeping Eli down the hall.

By noon, I had decided to not run my errand with the boys because I could not deal with Tobey's dawdling. I hated myself for "letting Tobey win", letting his behavior determine the plans for the day, but it seemed like the better thing to do at the time, lest I yell at him even more. I closed my eyes for 20 minutes with a headache while I heard Tobey's random playing in the living room and Eli's bopping around in the jumper. I wrote an email to Tom saying I would be leaving him a pot pie and veggies for dinner and that I would be taking off for the night as soon as he got home.

All day I wrestled in my mind about my state of mind and my super short fuse for outright disobedience. Why do I get so offended when Tobey doesn't listen to me? Because I've extrapolated that if I don't nip his disobedience in the bud right away, he's going to turn into some annoying failure that lacks respect for authority. My pride also comes into play in that I will not let my toddler totally disregard what I say. It's hardly shepherding a heart. It's banging into submission.

And then when I think about how horrible all those thoughts are, then the all-to-easy-to-kick-in mommy guilt overwhelms me. I start super analyzing my own upbringing and personality weaknesses and how they may impact my kids, as much as I hope Tobey and Eli will be free of them. This whirlwind of thoughts, that can only make me feel worse and worse, so overwhelmed me that all I could do was run away for an evening. This isn't the first time I've felt overwhelmed -- I do every year. In winter 2003-2004, I blamed breastfeeding hormones and ran got myself some mommy friends for commiseration. In winter 2004-2005, I blamed pregnancy hormones and got weekly nights off courtesy of Tom. But this time, a night off would be relaxing for a night. But the fear was that when I come back, tomorrow and the next day would just be the same.

While on the run, God had to speak to me loudly, pretty loudly, because all I felt like I wanted to do with my few hours off was to relax, not get down on my knees to God. So while I drove away in Tom's commuter car listening to his country station, a song came on. It sounded hokey at first like all country songs do but I was listening to the story being told:

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white
Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the
backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay
attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning
on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her
eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw
her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one
more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the
car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping
like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to
pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know
I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all my own
I'm letting
go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more
chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus
take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh

(Sung by Carrie Underwood, yes, the American Idol winner!?)

And after I came home, God showed me during a quick trip to the bathroom (!) that all the pressure I feel to have the well-behaved child, all the fear I have that Tobey and Eli will be severely dysfunctional growing up with my yelling and temper -- I've taken on all that responsibility myself and am trying to be the perfect parent to raise a good child. The irony is that in that futile effort to be the perfect parent, all my dysfunctions and weaknesses are coming out more than if I were more relaxed. There's no way I can ensure the well-behaved, smart, respectful and respectable child even if I have perfect discipline and a great rapport with my kids. The only thing I can do to help them in that area is to trust that God has plans for their personalities and their character, despite my imperfections. I shouldn't shoulder all that responsibility myself; it'll never work.

As if that wasn't enough, then my mom called. My mood was set when she told me some upsetting circumstances regarding Uncle Sandy's passing. And then in an unrelated topic, she told me about how some friends of hers were in the Gaithersburg Costco (the one we were at over New Year's) when the whole place got locked down. A 4-year old girl was missing so they locked the place down in order to find her. They finally found her in the bathroom, passed out apparently sedated, with her hair cut and clothes changed. It was horrifying and haunting, my mom admitting to getting goosebumps when she heard about it. She also told me about a molestation incident in Montgomery Mall, the big mall closest to my parents' house that they and we go to. When I hung up the phone, I was in shock and in tears. My mom said that it's good to know about these things so we can be more careful and aware. But she did admit that it causes parents to worry more these days. It's not like in the old days where my mom would leave us in the book section of a big store and come back to pick us up later. And of course I had to replay in my mind how many times I've let Tobey walk alongside me in a store, only to have him lag around a corner or duck into a rack out of sight. Again, overwhelmed, and left only to ask for God's grace and protection on my kids. My two sleeping kids that, in somewhat of a cliche, I wished I could go in and hug right at that moment.

And lastly, I'm still a little worried about Eli's sickness. Tobey is doing pretty well, just some leftover boogers and a runny nose once in a while. But Eli, being younger, is still wet coughing and isn't eating a whole lot (how can you tell if a baby is eating less while sick if he has never been a good eater while healthy?). Another thing to worry about.

Lord, I entrust our kids' safety, health and upbringing to you, because it's a huge responsibility and I realize I can't do it on my own.