Exhausted

It's been two days now. Two days of doing the kids daytime and evening. Two days of meals and tidying and dishes. Two days of refereeing and comforting. It's true that Tom's the one out on the "field", serving at church tonight and on Easter morning, along with his night off last night. But we both agree that him serving at church isn't just "him". It's me too because I support his serving by taking care of things at home.

But it's been two days straight and I can't say I passed this solo parenting stint with flying colors. Eli's been crying a fair amount because he keeps falling from pulling up or getting stuck in splits as he hangs on desperately to whatever he's pulled up on. It's actually kind of cute/funny when he gets himself stuck, yet at the same time, the mere sound of his crying is enough to send me over the edge these last two days. Last night, when he wouldn't take more than 1 oz. of his bottle, I said, "Fine. We get enough grace for one day. Pastor Paul says that when you run out of grace, then go to sleep. And since I can't go to sleep, you're going to sleep." I plopped him into his pack-n-play and walked out. No goodnight song, no nothing. He actually yelped for the first 10 seconds. I assume he sensed my frustration.

But Eli hasn't really been the problem these last two days. Tobey brought it all out these last two days for whatever reason. Did he sense Tom's absence? Did he sense my irritation? Am I about to PMS? These past two days haven't been his best as far as behavior and these past two days have not been my best when it comes to parenting.

Yesterday it was mostly Tobey being unable to keep his hands off Eli. He'll grab Eli's hands while Eli is supporting himself on his tummy or pulling up on things. So Tobey's caused more than his fair share of Eli's falls and bonks on the head by touching, pulling or shoving Eli aside. I'd almost be less irritated if Tobey did it out of frustration from Eli invading his space but it's actually more irritating to me that Tobey just seems to be doing it impulsively and recreationally, because he feels like it. In the back of my head I can imagine Dr. Moore saying that boys this age are just not capable of controlling his impulses but I can't hear that voice of reason when I see Tobey swipe Eli's balance from under him for no reason at all. I've given him timeouts, naughty corners, warnings and threats. And it never gets better. That too, is irritating.

This morning Tobey woke up with what seemed like the start of a cold. That always gets me disappointed and pessimistic because all plans get canceled (like lunch today with Alice). He woke up whining and kept it up all morning. Every little thing escalated to professional whining within 2 seconds of the start of crisis. When we were getting ready to get out the door, he was whining about his runny nose (which I unscientifically explained must be internally running because there's no snot coming out and he won't blow). I wipe his dry nose and tell him to throw it away. When the tissue doesn't go all the way into the trashcan, he starts whining. I raise my voice, "It's no big deal! Just shove it in!" When he shoves it in, he bumps the cover of the trash can so it's a little crooked. So he escalates his whine to which I've now lost it and I yell, not just raise my voice, I yell, "Tobey! Who cares??" I think that was one of the most immature things I've said to my kids as an impatient parent with no compassion left. Who tells a 2.5 year old 'who cares'? (Apparently, I do.) I think Tobey was a little bit in shock because usually when I raise my voice and do all my verbal "blah blah blah" about how irritating the whining is, he keeps whining. But this time, he actually stopped (temporarily). He actually kind of looked at me as if he knew that "Who cares??" was an insensitive remark.

At this point in the morning, I'm a little bit beyond calming down (I should have given myself or him a timeout to calm down) and I'm just desperate to finish getting out the door so we all get a change of scenery. We do and the rest of the day is normal. Well, kind of. I didn't expect Tobey to konk out in the car on the way to shopping at 12:30 when his usual naptime has been after 2. And of course Mommy guilt sets in as I remember that he is starting to get sick and I see his peaceful sleeping face in my rearview mirror. My seething starts to subside. Of course Tobey was "over it" by the time we left the driveway.

So as I ponder my anger setback (it's been a good month otherwise!), I realize that the last two days of irritation with my kids actually feels different than in the last several months. For once, it just felt like "pure" irritation with their behavior, not irritation laced with bigger thoughts of whether I'm cut out for motherhood or being spiteful towards Tom for not being here. Of course I feel bad about my bad behavior and apologized to Tobey this evening during his bedtime milk. But for once, I'm not turning it into a humongous issue that has to involve me spiraling into questioning my whole personality and life situation. I hope that's not callousness. I hope it's just finally gaining perspective on days like these: they happen and I'm not perfect. And let's just hope tomorrow is a lot better.

And in that spirit, I might just have to leave the dishes and the laundry. Not to spite Tom or make him payback for my two trying days. Just because I'm tired and I just can't do anymore.