Assertiveness training

Tobey and I went to a preschool classmate's 4th birthday party where "Twisty Man" was making balloon animals for everyone. Of course once he announces balloon animals, chaos ensues and kids are bouncing up and down yelling what they want. TM was trying to be fair, announcing that he wanted to make one for each kid before anyone got "seconds". And he wanted to do boy-girl-boy-girl, also to keep things fair, or at least interesting.

Meanwhile, Tobey is on the couch with a couple of other kids just observing. Why get involved where there is chaos? But I figured he would want a balloon so after a few balloons are made and I see he is watching intently, I sat next to him and asked him what kind of balloon he wanted. A space shuttle, he said and I said, cool, just wait your turn.

The next half hour is rather tedious to explain but in summary it was a series of me trying to encourage Tobey to speak up for himself to get a balloon. I had mixed feelings about my role in Tobey's acquisition. Option 1: Should I be like some of the parents who "spoke for" their kids, asking for balloon animals for their kids? Options 2: Should I keep coaching him on how to get his balloon, at the risk of looking like a pushy mom? Option 3: Should I let nature take its course and if Tobey doesn't ask a balloon, then so be it and call it a lesson learned?

Option 1? I somewhat resented the parents who spoke for their kid (the ones who I thought were old enough to ask for themselves; of course parents would need to ask for their non-verbal kids). Not only were they part of the problem, mosey-ing their way in front of quiet kids like Tobey, but I just felt like they were doing their child no favors. Of course I've done this in the past too, so I don't know why I chose this moment to be high and mighty.

I couldn't stand by and watch option 3 without getting torn up inside. Actually, I literally couldn't, as I embarrassingly started to get a little teary eyed watching Tobey fail time after time to get noticed or heard for his balloon. As one mom pointed out, there's a fine line between having manners and then...actually, I didn't hear what she said because I was busy wiping my quiet tears away, but I figured she was trying to say that there's a fine line between having manners and then being "too quiet". Tobey getting looked over re-ignited old elementary and middle school feelings of being left out, overlooked, unnoticed. And because he was so quiet about it, often standing there quietly while 2 year olds and their parents got balloons ahead of him, that broke my heart even more, just wondering if he was developing feelings of rejection for one of the first times.

So as for option 2, I did my best to coach him. Since he's been much more reasonable lately, I actually started out completely up for the challenge of assertiveness training, on getting what he wants without being rude, like I haughtily thought some kids were being. I coached him on standing close enough to be seen, on asking with "please", on asking audibly, on tapping Twisty Man on the shoulder if he still wasn't noticed, on waiting and not walking away until he gets his balloon. But on each successive failure that required more coaching, I got disappointed, not by Tobey, but by how manners were not being immediately rewarded. And I know that is a lesson in itself, that him, trying to be assertive with manners, might not always get the immediate reward or results, like the rude kids. I had to remember that maybe success wasn't whether he got his balloon first, but whether he had the right attitude and character traits in trying to get what he wants.

And through this experience, the other people I found that I rather resent are those "loud" kids, the ones that always are in the front, that constantly grab the attention of the unknowing adult leading the activity. The ones that every time a question is asked of the group or a volunteer is asked for, they are jumping up and down raising their hands or yelling out answers. The ones that grab so much attention that the kids who are following the directions and rules get overlooked. I remember trying to be aware of the attention-grabbers in classes that I taught and when I was falling for their trap of getting attention, because I wanted to "reward" the kids who followed the rules or did things the right way.

And so at this party, it was those kids that jumped up and down saying, "I want a sword! I want a rainbow!", the ones that because of their "loudness", the adult has no brain space left to be fair or aware of anyone else, the ones trying to get a second balloon when it was only 5 minutes ago that they got their first, the ones who push their way to the front, sometimes with their parent in tow. I guess it's survival of the fittest and what else was I supposed to expect out of a bunch of 4 year olds (or, in this case, the 5+ year old that was the loudest). But I'd like to think we live where manners matter, in a civilization, not a jungle, or, like Tom said, in China or closer to home, in line at 99 Ranch.

Ironically, the one person I did not resent was Twisty Man himself. I couldn't blame him for being completely distracted by the "loud" kids. And later when I apologized to TM (at one point, he thought I was telling him to give Tobey a balloon when I was really telling Tobey to speak up), he said he completely forgot about the incident. He says that kids are totally "zen", "in the moment" and he tries to be there with them. So he can't keep track of who was next or who had a balloon yet or not. And I imagined how non-fun a party clown would be if he had to keep telling kids to step aside or stand in a straight line like at school. He did his best, turning away kids who he thought he remembered giving a balloon to already, etc. I'm not sure who I expected to help keep order once he pulled out all the balloons to make. Probably the parents of the "loud" kids. But I figured some of those kids become the "loud" kids because their parents don't stick around to teach them manners right.

I teared up again when all of this was over, when Tobey finally got himself noticed, asked nicely and got himself a twisty balloon shark (he changed his mind about the shuttle). The smile on his face was precious, as well as the relief to me that this episode was finally over. And wouldn't you know it, I chatted with him in the car and said, "Wow, was it pretty tough getting the shark balloon?" And Tobey answered, "No.", as if to say, "What are you talking about, Mom? I had no problems getting the balloon." Part of me was glad that the experience wasn't nearly as traumatic for him as it was for me. But the other part of me wasn't sure whether to be glad that he was blissfully unaware of the potential social conflict or whether to worry that he will be ignorantly unaware of the social cues that might make him susceptible to teasing in a few years.

Tom said that he thinks he missed some of these social nuances when he was a child whereas I think I was hypersensitive about them. Hopefully our kids will find a happy balance between the two of us because I'm not sure if I'm going to survive elementary school again. Or even the next birthday party.