Xiang ban fa

Leave it to me to turn a simple decision like Tom hiring a landscaper, into a deep thing that requires full life history and personality analyzation.

Tom's probably been thinking about a landscaper for a little while but from the moment of public declaration ("I'm thinking of hiring a gardener to do our yard now.") to execution and hiring, that time was less than a week. For Tom, a natural researcher, the man who for two weeks toiled over what 900MHz cordless phone to buy, this is lightning speed. It led me to think, why is it that it was so easy for him to hire help for his huge task and multiple meltdowns later, I'm still no where near close to actually hiring a babysitter to help me out with two kids?

It comes down to a simple philosophy that my mom subtly and not-so-subtly instilled in us that in a Chinese phrase is: "xiang3 ban4 fa3", or "figure it out". It's about pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and toughing it out if you're in hardship. It's about figuring out a solution or making a new way when your stuck in a corner. It's about making do with what you have instead of getting something new. My mom kind of bawks at all the kitchen gadgets of the western kitchen because she's the kind to say, "All you need is a good knife and a pair of chopsticks!". Or instead of splurging on a nice new office chair, you make one out of your old VW rabbit driver's seat that still reclines (although I think Tom's dad did that because it's fun, not out of some sense of preservation of material).

It's the toughness and the determination of "xiang ban fa" that I believe is how my mom passed a kidney stone at home and how I've given birth to two children without meds.

The downside of "xiang ban fa" for me is that it also almost encourages not to call for help or learn how to take care of myself when I might need it, especially in the area of being a mom. It's that same mentality for teachers that sometimes even if you need a sanity day, it's easier to just trudge through one more day of school than to prep for a sub to take over for you. One step further, it's why I have no idea how to do my hair, because until I was out of college, I never went to a professional hair salon or stylist, not even for prom (because my mom convinced me not to go), not even for my wedding. It's why I didn't seriously consider going on a post-college Europe trip with Cec and Z or perhaps why we didn't take more fun globetrotting trips before we had kids. The thought of that luxury never really occured to me. There's a humble naturalness, practicalness and simplicity in "xiang ban fa", but once in a while, I wish I knew how to pamper and lavish myself with something truly indulgent, without guilt.

Unfortunately, I have no idea how to provide a balance for my kids, a balance of "xiang ban fa" and of treating yourself. I seem to be good at not spoiling Tobey. "No" is almost a reflex when he asks for a treat or to do something fun. Will I let him have popcorn at a movie instead of homemade snacks stashed in my big mommy purse? Will I let him even go to a movie instead of just waiting for DVD? Will I ever buy him something brand name or will I echo my mother's chime, "So what if the alligator is backwards, it looks just like Izod Lacoste!"?

Well, back to the issue at hand, at least I felt better about my lack of hiring a babysitter after talking to my girlfriend Alice. For the most part, I'm okay with the kids by myself, I can handle it (I've "xiang ban fa"ed). But it's those whiny, dawdly days, those sick days, that I wish I could leave the kids with a trusted sitter and take off to be productive and happy. I remember the first time Tom gave me a Thrursday night off, after weeks of needing a break, that day Tobey was actually really good. By the time it was time for me to take off for my wonderful evening by myself, I was wondering what did I really need a break from? By now I've wised up that even if I don't "feel" like I need a break, I take it. But sometimes even the scheduled but "unnecessary" break can't quite make up for the one that's unexpectedly needed.

So I for now, I just await Tobey to start preschool, when my 1-kid scheduled break comes because it's good for Tobey to go to school, not because I've deemed it necessary for me. I'm proud of Tom for hiring a landscaper. He apparently learned a life preservation skill that I am still struggling to learn myself.