Embarrassing

My mom never laid a hand on us as discipline while growing up. She primarily used timeouts in the bathroom and psychological warfare. The most common of her psychological techniques is the classic Asian lose face speech. Despite my mom's claims that me and my brothers never threw out of control tantrums in public, I distinctly remember getting the "You are embarrassing me and yourself" speech in public, but whispered in my ear, several times.

And I only learn from the master.

Today all I wanted was a pleasant little outing to Santana Row...with the boys...which for most people is an oxymoron. But I really thought it possible and within the realm of potential for Tobey and Eli. But perhaps after a whole day out yesterday, expecting them to behave on a shopping trip without having much "run around free" time in the past 24 hours was too much to ask.

Plus, I forgot that one third of the container store is glass, another third neatly stacked boxes and another third interesting Christmas stocking stuffers which was what I was there shopping for.

I started out thinking that putting Tobey in charge of Eli in the umbrella stroller would keep him well-entertained. But not when Tobey is in his hyper mood like he was today. He twirled Eli in circles, causing Eli to laugh uncontrollably. Then they each were grabbing rolls of gift wrap and imagining light sabers a la Star Wars. Then Tobey knocked over two bins of gift wrap onto the floor. At least they fell longitudinally (?) versus laterally so they didn't roll halfway across the floor. Still, it was embarrassing to pick up after my uncontrollable children in front of the imagined disapproving looks of Type A Container Store shoppers.

I should have switched strategies then but foolishly thought the situation could be salvaged so that I could shop for gadgets in peace. When upstairs, Tobey got interested in the metal pill boxes, leaving Eli to start walking away (a la Nathan) towards displays of custom shelving while still strapped in the stroller. It doesn't help that Eli had crumbs of trans fat McDonald's hash browns on his fingers and white vest. That really reeks of "mom who has lost control". Actually what really reeked of "mom who has lost control" is that I actually scolded to Tobey, "Tobey, go get your brother -- you were in charge of the stroller." as I held a mini travel alarm in my hand, shirking my own responsibility as a parent.

Actually, the topper was when Eli continued to try to stand up and walk away in the stroller so I tipped the stroller back so he would lose balance and fall back into the stroller. Except that I lost grip and he and the stroller and Eli actually fell all the way backwards to the floor. To the horror of a 30ish single man who saw the whole thing. Or maybe he was more horrified that I only said, "Well, you're not supposed to stand up in the stroller..." instead of giving a little sympathy and apology to my child moaning "Bump!" while rubbing his head.

So at this point perhaps I should have abandoned the shopping trip and gone home. But with half of my mission accomplished on my annual trip to TCS, my resolve to finish and not let my children dictate my steps only strengthened. So like a stubborn idiot, I stayed the course and instead switched strategies, putting Tobey in charge of the shopping cart as I pushed Eli's stroller. A bump here and there and things were okay -- it's not easy navigating the imposing aisles of decorative boxes when you are 4 and can barely peek over the handle bar. But then...

...Then Tobey in his hyperactivity pushed the shopping cart straight into an end cap loaded with glass jars. The banging was a thousand decibels in my ears and I winced the biggest wince as I waited for half the jars to tumble to the ground. But with God watching over me as well as Tobey had the outcome been different, none of the jars fell nor broke. And between gritted teeth started the words, "Tobey Chang!" but instead came out in audible volume, "TOH-BEE CHANGGGG!" As a mom struggling with yelling and temper, I really wanted to keep it under my breath and under control, but if I could manage that, then I wouldn't be a mom struggling with yelling and temper. My frustration and need to have someone notice my misery over my child's behavior was too overwhelming to be expressed under my breath.

Who knows what Eli was doing in the next minute because my brain swirled of so many things. Can I spank in public? Was that really MY child that just did that? What can I say to a 4 year old within earshot of strangers that won't incriminate me for verbal abuse? How do I get out of this store? Do I abandon ship (or shop) giving in to my children's behavior or do I stick to my guns and face further embarrassment...but at least have some Christmas shopping done?

Thankfully, an understanding young grandma and a TCS employee were nearby to offer words of comfort and encouragement. Our glass is really sturdy. No harm done, nothing broke. He's still working on his driver's license, huh. I had 3 kids under 4 and they are all nice people now. And on and on. I was warmed by their encouragement as well as horrified that maybe I looked mad enough and upset enough that they felt like they had to stick around and keep being nice until they couldn't see steam coming out of my ears anymore.

And then for a second I really felt stuck. After I plopped Tobey into his shopping cart prison, I was faced with singlehandedly pushing a cart and a stroller downstairs, through checkout and to the garage. What I lacked in presence of mind, the young grandma made up for in helpfulness, "Can you fold your stroller up?" Brilliant! If I weren't still seeing stars in my eyes from the incident, I might have had a chance to think of the same solution!

A minor whine or two later ("Mommy, Eli's pulling my hair!"), I checked out and made it to the car. Usually, I try to diffuse tense moments in my mind with some humor, like saying, "Did you hear my child destroy your glass display upstairs?" to the checkout person but today I was in no such mood. It was pleasant smiles during checkout to the uninvolved and let's leave this incident behind.

It was the first time I gave the embarrassment lecture to Tobey. I don't want "saving face" for himself or family to be the motivation for good behavior but I just had no other lecture left inside of me. I've been giving calm, logical lectures to the kids all week for their moments of bad behavior and, like their behavior, my good behavior was starting to break too. The easiest and by far the most relevant message I wanted to get across from this shopping trip was "embarrassment" and I just had to ask internally for grace and just hope that this lecture is remembered as just one of the many other better messages they will get in their lives.