Anger management

(Started this post a couple days ago...)

One of the funnier things I've seen on TV in recent memory is a quote from the hot-headed police captain, Captain Stottlemeyer from Tom's favorite Monk: "I have to go to anger management class and I'm PISSED OFF ABOUT IT!".

I'm not ticked about needing some anger management, I wanted it. When the topic of anger management came up for Moms Time Out last week, I made sure I went. The first best thing I got out of Kerri's sharing was that I was not alone in my anger outbursts with the kids which was also her first point. As shameful and embarassing as her admissions were, it helped her a lot to just tell someone about her outbursts. And so this blog is one place that I get it out. Talking to mom friends is another (although I'm not sure I go into as much detail in person; it's hard saying "I dropped him into his naughty corner"). I've been thinking a lot about my anger outbursts. I've been able to think a little more systematically through it after Kerri's sharing. So today, through my routine, I tried to think through my anger and how to appropriately act on it.

One thing that came out of our table's sharing at MTO was that anger isn't so much an emotion itself as it is a reaction or a way of dealing with some inner emotion. I think my real issue is control, feeling the need to control my kids environment and behavior as well as wanting some kind of control over my environment and life. Both feel like they are slipping away as Tobey is in his "two's" and now I've got two. That slippage is both fearful and frustrating.

I realize that most of my outbursts with Tobey come from his toddler defiance. I get frustrated when he doesn't listen to my requests, lending to heated situations when we're trying to get into the car and when I'm trying to change his diaper/clothes. Sometimes my need for control is out of a fear that without his behavior under control, he's going to end up not as respectful and respectable when he's an adult. Sometimes my need for control is because a command disobeyed is like a humiliating slap in my face. The first issue is really not mine to control, but God's. But somehow in the heat of the moment, I can't seem to remember this important fact. The second issue is just plain and simple: my pride.

So as it's obvious I've got all these feelings and frustrations, I'm wondering how I'm supposed to appropriately deal with them? I was thinking this morning, as Tobey was in a kicking mood, how do I convey to him the difference between kicking his placemats (rather harmless), kicking a squishy ball across the playroom (moderate no-no), kicking Eli (a definite no-no), and kicking Eli in the head (beyond no-no, which he really did this morning), without raising my voice or yelling at him (although sometimes I'm just so shocked at the behavior as well as the repetition of it, that I feel at a loss for words other than yelling ones)? Or maybe it's okay to raise my voice in severe situations? Somehow reacting in the same tone to kicking Eli's head vs. a placemat isn't right.

Also there are no other adults around to commiserate with -- how do I let out my frustration without letting it out in front of my kids? Sometimes when frustration and anger build up, I feel like stepping into the garage by myself and yelling at the top of my lungs. And I also don't know why, but sometimes it feels like spewing out swear words somehow will release my anger, at least take the edge off. Why would saying meaningless words make me feel better? I have no idea but in a strange way, I think I understand Zach from my old office. We could hear him swearing from down the cube aisle whenever our crazy manager made a bad decision. We knew to stay out of his way and I remember thinking, "Man, that kid has got to find another way to express his anger." And although I've never actually stepped into the garage and let my mouth go at it, I guess I can understand the feeling a little bit now.

But the thing that scares me most about my shows of anger is what my kids are learning from them. Sometimes Eli gets frustrated and starts yelping, "Uh! Uh! Uh!" and I'm paranoid that he is learning from my yelling. And today in the car while Eli was crying, Tobey says, "Eliiii! Stop!!!". I'd like to equip my kids with alternative ways for letting out steam but as the role model, I don't even know how.

Sometimes the issue isn't even really about control or egos or ongoing power struggles. Sometimes it's just pure pain. Eli head butted me square in the jaw this morning while I'm trying to nicely read to Tobey. How am I supposed to express my frustration and physical pain? My jaw hurt bad and my first reaction was to yell, "Ow!". It seems like a valid reaction except that if I see Tobey react the same way, I'd think he was being a little mean to Eli. Post-head-butt, I also yelled, "Eli!!" (exactly the way Tobey did in the car, in fact) frustrated at his squirminess. For once, Tobey was the good guy as he asked if I was crying (I was) and if I'm okay. I feel like it's unnatural and unrealistic to never express frustration or anger in front of or even towards our kids. But I'm not sure what and when and how it's ever appropriate.

In the Lih household, we would yell. Sometimes I identify with Matthew's outbursts, like when he yelled at a driver that cut us off while we crossing the street as pedestrians. At first I was shocked that as a grown adult, he'd still yell. Now I think I understand. And shamefully, I can even identify a little with my dad who got mad at me for accidentally causing a flood in their laundry room (it was an innocent accident but he still yelled at me...this was just last year). Apparently, the Chang's don't really yell, although Tom's mom would yell at them but apparently none of them yelled back. Then again, Tom, Dennis and his dad are all "stuffers" (they stuff their feelings until it explodes one day) which can't be emotionally healthy either. What are the appropriate ways to express anger? Can I even relearn them at this point? Do I need to find out of those silly pop-psychology mantras to help me refocus on something in the heat of anger? Are Tobey and Eli doomed to follow my path because that's what they see most of the time?