My "mommy" testimony

I gave my "mommy" testimony yesterday at Moms Time Out. Having been a weird week, I wasn't quite "feelin' it" when the time came and I put a lot of pressure on myself to make the most of this opportunity that I had to release my "voice" to other moms and hopefully touch someone with similar struggles. God was really gracious because more than one mom said to me that they could have said word for word what was in my testimony. Even to have Christine, the family pastor's wife, tell me that her early days she had her fair share of yelling at her kids was encouraging (encouraging because it seems like her kids all turned out well).

So here it is, including a snippet from a previous blog post, in case you feel like you're experiencing deja vu towards the end. Good thing I wrote it down word for word because I got verklempt towards the end (when can I ever give a talk without getting verklempt?) and had to go on auto pilot to get through it.
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For those whom I haven’t met, I have two boys, Tobey who turns 3 this summer and Eli who turns 1 this summer. My husband Tom and I have been at ALCF for almost 8 years which is also how long we’ve been married.

I grew up in suburban MD outside of Washington, DC and like Lori said in her testimony, I had a happy childhood. I grew up in a Christian home and accepted Christ in early high school, was really involved in my youth group and headed off for college.

I’m telling you this because I always thought I was a pretty happy-go-lucky, go-with-the-flow, take-what-life-gives-me kind of person. I really wanted to get into Princeton for college but when I got deferred and then rejected, I figured I’d go to the next prestigious school, MIT. When I went to a freshman preview weekend at MIT, I hated it but God changed my mind by the time I had to decide and in a leap of faith, I decided to go to MIT anyway. That was such a blessing in two ways: 1) I had an awesome time, have lifelong friends from there and also grew tremendously spiritually while there and 2) turns out Tom, my future husband, went to Princeton in the same class but wasn’t a Christian then and probably had I known him then, we might not be married now. So I’m figuring that MY plan didn’t work but GOD’S did!

After 4 years of college and 1 year of grad school, I was very content in Boston. I loved it so much I didn’t want to leave but I knew I needed to open my hands and let God take me where he wanted me. So I interviewed all over for jobs and ended up right here in the Bay Area. It was close to my now-late grandma, I was happy in a new church, I had a good job teaching in the Cupertino school district and I eventually met Tom, who is by now, a Christian. So again, I felt like I was blessed by letting go of my plans and letting Him take me where He wanted to take me.

Fast-forward to a few years ago when Tom and I were pregnant and preparing to be parents. By now, I’m still under the impression that I’m a laid back person and I wanted to be a laid back parent. I wanted to be firm and have well-disciplined children but I didn’t want to be high-strung, fuss over every fall my kids take or predetermine whether my child will be a doctor, lawyer or engineer like a lot of Chinese parents. Tobey was born in August 2003 and thus begins my motherhood journey.

The theme I’ve been learning a lot about since that magical moment Tobey was born was perfectly summed up by Cori around a discussion table at MTO a couple of months ago. I had already been pondering ideas for what my “mommy testimony” is and her words were my thoughts exactly:

“I didn’t know how much of a control freak I was until I became a mom.”

Let’s clarify the phrase first: I’m not a NEAT freak and any visit to my house will clear that confusion up real fast. But as I embarked on motherhood, I am starting to realize that I squirm and sweat and whine and pout when I don’t have control over a situation that I care about. And now thinking back over this initial season of my motherhood, I struggle with control in a few ways: my time, my children’s future, and my children’s behavior.

My Time

In the first year or so of being a mom, I struggled, like possibly many of you, with the idea that I no longer have control over my time. I ignorantly didn’t realize how much you get interrupted when you are a parent. During Tobey’s newborn days, I was wondering how he knew, in his sleep, that I was about to sit down to eat. Because I swear he’d start crying as soon as fork was lifted to my mouth. And just when Tobey’s schedule was super predictable and I was getting comfortable, along comes Eli and the world of one kid waking up another begins. To be at someone’s beck and call was an unfamiliar and uncomfortable feeling for me.

The other aspect of time that I struggle with was how much of the day time was MY time and how much was the kids. Because it’s evident by my personality that I really can’t stand to play with my kids for that long. When Tobey was a baby, people would comment on how well he played by himself. I was a bit conflicted because while it’s great he’s independent, I knew why he played so well by himself: because I never play with him. And so it continues now with Eli as well. When Tobey is napping, I revert to wanting MY time and if Eli happens to still be awake, he’s on his own. I have a hard time valuing the time truly spent with the kids because sometimes I still want to do MY stuff, as if an interruption from the kids is an interruption, not the main course of my day. It definitely makes me ponder my suitability to be a stay-at-home mom but that’s a whole other mommy testimony.

My Children’s Future

Another area I struggle with control is my children’s future. Now that we have two, and they are two boys, people sometimes ask if we’d go for a third, “go for that girl”. Although I love my boys and find them charming because they are boys, I do hope to have a girl someday. Why? Because I’m under the impression that having a girl would ensure that I would have a companion as far as girly interests are concerned. We can play dress up (or I can play dress up!), we can go shopping, we can talk. I have a great time calling my mom and talking about hometown gossip and the kids’ recent activities. But Tom is one of two boys and my mother-in-law has the most boring conversations with them about travel and finances. Sometimes I think, “Lord, if that’s what it’s like to be a mom of all boys, please let me have a girl!”

But obviously, I can’t ensure that a third child would be a girl. I did wonder whether we should adopt from China because of chances of getting a girl are probably 90+ percent (how’s that for shallow?) but that’s my inner control freak coming out. And I also can’t ensure that even if we did have a girl, that we would be “girly” together. What if she’s turns out to be a tomboy?

And besides, I still have control issues over just how my two boys will turn out. It’s one of my heart’s desires that Tobey and Eli would turn out to be like Tom and his brother Dennis, the best of friends. I’m already praying that they will be good friends when they are older, even if Tobey currently pokes Eli’s eyes and Eli yelps at Tobey over toys. Tom and Dennis grew up in a non-Christian home but they both became Christians independently at around the same time, which contributes to their close relationship. If God can work in Tom’s family this way, where his mom was not a praying mom, He can work in mine. But I cannot force them to be best friends.

My Children’s Behavior

It was when Tobey turned 2 and started challenging my authority, overtly and through silent protest that the control issue started to reveal itself to me as something deeper because when I have no control, I have the potential to be angry. Kerri’s testimony about anger came at a time that I was at one of my lowest points (thus far) in parenting. I was yelling a lot at Tobey, impatient at his toddler dawdling and his refusal to obey. It caused me to really question: WHY was I SO irked at his disobedience?

My first reason was for his benefit: I wanted him to learn to respect appropriate authority and follow rules to properly function in society. And also, if he doesn’t respect authority, he’ll never respect or submit to God. But admittedly, mostly wanting him to be obedient was about him being respectful and well-liked.

But the more I was honest with myself, the more I realized that I was irritated by Tobey’s disobedience because it was a slap in the face to me. It sounds silly if I say it aloud but I have this notion in my head that if he just follows my plan and my rules, he will grow up to be well-liked, charming smart and disciplined. Week after week after week, I blew up at him, sometimes getting rough if he isn’t cooperating while getting dressed or is whining while going down for a nap. My outbursts were becoming less about whether he was learning to follow directions or rules and more about me demanding control. “I’ll show him” or “I have to nip it in the bud” is often what was going through my mind. Some parenting books, especially the Christian ones, encourage immediate first time obedience which makes me feel like some sort of failure and made me feel like I have to get control back even more. I felt like I needed to control not just the situation which is a valid concern, but I needed to control him. I almost became a 2-year old myself, needing to win our clashes to show him who’s boss. My parenting was no longer about what’s “right” for him or how am I shepherding his heart. It was not even about behavior modification and my idea of a well-behaved and well-run family. It was about my ego. So much for being relaxed, happy-go-lucky and take-what-life-gives-me.

My Breakthrough

Because of the irreparable emotional harm I assumed I was bestowing on my children, it was one evening a few months ago that made me realize that I need to change.

I was driving to dinner-for-one on my night off and I heard what I thought was just corny country music in Tom’s car radio and I realized that it is a #1 hit sung by American Idol Carrie Underwood, called “Jesus Take the Wheel”.

And after I came home, God showed me that all the pressure I feel to have the well-behaved child, all the fear I have that Tobey and Eli will be severely dysfunctional growing up with my yelling and temper -- I've taken on all that responsibility myself and am trying to be the perfect parent to raise a good child. The irony is that in that futile effort to be the perfect parent, all my dysfunctions and weaknesses are coming out more than if I were not trying to control the situation. Tobey is already picking up my “tone” and expressions and at times I wonder if I’m teaching him or controlling him. There's no way I can ensure the well-behaved, smart, respectful and respectable child even if I have perfect control over my kids. The only thing I can do to help them in that area is to trust that God has plans for their personalities and their character, despite my imperfections. I shouldn't shoulder all that responsibility myself; it'll never work. Not only will it not work, it wouldn’t be the best. When I think of my imperfections and what I don’t want to pass on to my kid, I pray that God would take over.

By no means is my issue with control resolved. Daily (or at least “monthly”, if you know what I mean), I continue to struggle with getting irritated by two-year old toddler behavior. And it’s in those times that I ask now for God to hit me over the head with a reminder that I cannot and should not control my kids. That I need to yield control over their immediate behavior and their future over to Him. And then maybe my temper and controlling ways won’t get the better of me.