Do over

Today (well, Saturday) was a day I wished I could do over. It was guided more by the hype that I'm solo parenting (Tom's on a men's retreat) versus that it actually needed to be as difficult as it was.

First thing in the morning, we were 15 minutes late to Tobey's first (30 minute) soccer class. Tom will usually take Tobey but since he was away, I had to take him with Eli in tow. It felt like we were joining a group that already knew each other well because all the other kids looked so comfortable responding back to Coach Scott when in reality it was everyone's first day. I wished I had woken Eli up just a little earlier so we weren't so late and me in such a defeated mood. But it was so hard given that Eli woke up at 12, 3 and 5AM for the second night in a row. I also wished I had just found Eli a babysitter for an hour in the morning -- because I literally just abandoned him in stroller as soon as we arrived late on the field. Plus, maybe we could have been on time, maybe I could have been more focused on one kid during Tobey's class.

And maybe if I did have a babysitter, then I wouldn't have been on Stelling Road right when a cop was watching for traffic violations on the way to the parade. I know the law about stopping for pedestrians in a crosswalk but in my rush, I drove by thinking that the family crossing the road was still on the far side of the road and divider. Not good enough for Mr. Police who stopped and ticketed 3 of us at once. I wished I hadn't rushed so that I could have listened to my brain more or maybe at least had seen the police.

After marching in the parade (or sitting in a stroller for the boys) we met up with Alice, also a retreat widow. After a lion dance, visiting a booth or two and a porta-potty visit, it was clear that the boys just wanted to run around after being cooped up in a stroller all morning (especially Eli). While they ran around the grass, when we were supposed to be meeting Alice and her friend to eat, it dawned on me: why am I putting the kids through this? Why am I dragging them around in a hard-to-push-on-grass stroller through a mediocre festival when none of us are happy? It was impossible to keep track of both kids, it was slightly warm and it ended up that the festival food was really horrible. I finally took charge of the day and went home. I immediately felt more at home just arriving at our minivan and ultimately felt better when we all were back at home napping.

The day ended on a better note as we babysat Joshua from across the street. Although it was me and three kids, they entertained themselves nicely as a threesome and besides feeling like a waiter feeding 3 kids 3 different meals, it was an easy night. Well, after the Tylenol kicked in. I finally did not regret a decision to stay home and babysit. And after chatting with Alice at night, I also did not regret deciding to go to the late church service nor did I regret canceling on dimsum. A decision that was finally about me and the kids staying sane versus obligation and keeping to plan.