Decisions, decisions

As I struggle with Tobey's toddler independence, I've been thinking lately of the idea of giving kids choice. Various parenting books and "experts" say to give kids safe choices that you could live with to give them a sense of control of their own destiny. "Brown shoes or gray shoes, Tobey?", thus avoiding the issue of those white sneakers that Tom's mom gave that I'm not a big fan of with certain outfits. "Choice" sounded good and I became the master of manipulating choices so that I'd be happy with either outcome. We still do it now, especially when Tobey is dawdling ("Tobey, do you want to climb up into the carseat yoursel or do you want Mommy to lift you up?").

And so there's the problem. I've been caught in a few too many frustrating situations where I can't think of a "choice" to offer (and sometimes I can't even think of a suitable consequence to disobedience but that's another issue). And even when I offer two choices and he doesn't like either, sometimes he is just silent forcing me to pick a "default" (or he chooses those white sneakers!). Offering choices, thinking of consequences, ug. What just happened to obeying? I know it's not normal for a toddler to obey immediately all the time, but sometimes his outright defiance or silent protest to my requests is not only personally offensive, it gets worrysome to me. Is he so used to choices that he just won't listen anymore? This is one of those times I'm starting to doubt those parenting "experts" who want to give kids self-esteem and power (the "kids first" kind of mentality).

And yet at the same time, I don't want a little robot (although there are days that is tempting). I can't think of the specific book or speaker now but I've read in some Christian parenting books about anything less than 100% immediate obedience is tantamount to disobedience, even if there's a hesitation. That was actually my model of obedience and anything less from Tobey was some kind of failure of discipline or a rebellious spirit. But now I'm starting to think that the 100% immediate obedience goal is not only unrealistic but I'm not sure I even necessarily want it that way, a little toddler robot, even if it would make my days go smoother. Maybe if it's a few (or several) more headaches and more clashes, I do want Tobey to be able to think for himself, even if it means he takes a second to think about whether he wants to challenge authority.