The mistakes we make

I can't tell you how many times today and yesterday Tobey has said, "Mommy play legos with you?" (which is his mixed-up-pronoun way of asking me to play with him). And I can't tell you how many times I've obliged but I can say it was only a few times. Sometimes his request is unfortunately ill-timed (in the middle of cooking dinner or while nursing) and sometimes I'm in the middle of something "optional" (email or lately, doing something for Grandma's party). Sometimes I just don't feel like it. And sometimes I do oblige and then the phone rings or even someone at the door interrupting our time (although I have ignored a couple of phone calls knowing that I am in the middle of playing with him).

Whatever my excuse, I finally now feel pretty horrible about it. Like Dennis said about us holding Tobey for "up-up", he's not this young or small forever. When he gets into the teenage years (or does it happen before?), he'll want nothing to do with his "mommy". Even worse, I'm wondering if he's starting to learn rejection at this early age. From his infant days, I've always struggled with whether I play with him enough. Now that he can verbalize mommy-please-play, it's more obvious to me that I reject his request pretty often.

On to Eli. Poor second child gets gipped in so many ways, especially me not being as sympathetic to his cries or needs. Since I'm "needed" by Tobey as well, my energy for sympathy for each child (as well as just being a mother that has "already heard it") is already reduced by 50% compared to when Tobey was by himself. It's not only not rushing to him immediately (although I never really did that with Tobey), I find myself not comforting him with words as much, not even an, "Awww, whassamatter?". And today I noticed that he doesn't converse back with me as much as he did at 2 months old, perhaps because I haven't talked with him much lately? The paranoid side of me is afraid that he won't thrive for lack of that softer more sympathetic kind of care. And sometimes I think of having a 3rd?

I hang onto God's grace on my kids despite my parenting shortcomings. We all have shortcomings somewhere, right? Just as I am aware of how my family upbringing has influenced my habits and personality, I fear the effects my parenting shortcomings will have on my kids.