Life on hold

I am just starting this realization today that my perspective on this stage of my life right now is that life is on hold.

I think I can safely say that I never really felt a "calling" to be a mom. I don't know if we need to have that "calling" in the same way we might for some other career but I do remember talking once with Denise pre-kids and she just really had a desire to be a mom. She said she always felt like that was her calling. I can't say that I have that same kind of purposeful calling and at some point wondered whether I should have kids at all. I probably felt more of a calling to be a teacher than a mom. So when Tom and I decided (pre-kids, maybe even pre-marriage) that I would stay home when we have kids, it was more out of "it'll be good for our kids" and that I was willing to put my career "on hold" to be at home with them, as if teaching was my "real" calling and being at home with the kids was some kind of temporary thing.

I am only just starting to realize how pervasive this idea of "on hold" is in my thinking for the past 3 years. I am always thinking that there is something else in the future that I am waiting to happen and in the meantime, I'm a mom. Am I waiting to go back to work? Am I waiting for two kids to get easier? Am I waiting for Tobey to be potty-trained? Am I waiting for Eli's napping to be more consistent? Am I waiting for the next vacation? Or take it a step further, am I waiting for our kids to grow up and move out so Tom and I can be empty nesters, travel and be "free"? Is that what I'm waiting for? Am I waiting for tomorrow when I can have a night off? Am I waiting for 6:00PM when Tom walks through the door? Am I waiting for the next playdate or the next interesting email in my inbox?

The feeling of constantly waiting for something better doesn't do any good for dealing with the here and now. It makes my mundane days even more mundane or purposeless. It makes me unappreciative of the time I do have with the kids, not just in a general sense but even on any given afternoon when I'm just hanging on for Tom to come home and not really "present" (to steal Tania's word) with my kids. The activities for the day become more about the passing of time and "occupying" the kids instead of really being with them or guiding them towards something (or even me working towards something).

And it's not to say that I haven't cared at all about their development. But I can't say that I have gotten into it as much as Denise who is about to start homeschooling Emily or other moms who read up, research or listen to talks on how to bring up kids. I never was the kind of person to go deeply into anything. Even with teaching, I needed a break from it (and therefore only did the requisite extracurricular sponsoring or chaperoning of school activities and didn't often join committees or do "extra" work; and swore off teaching summer school or tutoring). And all those people at MIT who would "tool around" the computer lab for fun -- are you crazy? But I suppose if there was anything that I should "get into" and spend the time to read and "study" (beyond the infant days of when to give solids and how to sleep train), it should be how to bring up my kids.

I've been reading this blog called GirlTalk and I am amazed by the focus that these women have (granted, they are all pastors wives, 3 sisters and their mother). The mom still has a 13 year old son at home and was blogging recently about how to bring him up as a man, how to help him learn from her husband, etc. I was amazed. She has time to think up of these things? She is that intentional about her son's character? I wished I could do that too and at the same time, is that a model that is out of human reach? Do parents like that really exist, so focused, so Godly? I kind of want to aim for something like that because I want the best for Tobey and Eli. But at the same time, my pessimistic and unconfident side is like, "Yeah. Right." Maybe I should just start with one book, just to read or get myself on course. Not just a book that would entertain me (like when I read "Confessions of a Slacker Mom"), but maybe something like a "Bringing Up Boys" (Dobson) to give me food to think about as far as bringing the kids up. Any suggestions?

So even with the start of this revelation, today was rather mundane. Even though I was looking forward to meeting up with Cindy for a park date, and even ran into a couple moms I knew while there, I realize that there can be a mundaneness to playdate after playdate (not to say I don't enjoy them or don't absolutely need them to stay sane!) if I'm not sure where I'm going with my life or my parenting. I need to get out of my mindset of the past 3 years that my life is on hold, that I'm waiting for something easier or better, and really be the best parent I can be for my kids.