Solo parenting

Tom has been in New York for the past two days on last minute business. It was a little heart breaking to hear Tobey cry when Tom left the house with "Uncle Steve", Tom's co-worker. It was heart breaking to see Tobey say goodbye; it was also heart breaking that Tobey almost seemed pained that he's going to be stuck with mommy for two days, the mommy that's been impatient with him for the past week. And so I was scared that Tom was leaving too.

It was pretty amazing the effect that Tom's leaving had on us though. Like Tania blogs sometimes: I think I just go into survival mode, because I have no choice. I have no backup, no relief, no one to dump kids on and no one on-site to commiserate with or complain to. It was almost as if without those "outlets", I became stronger. I had the patience to comfort Tobey who continued to cry for 10-15 minutes after Tom's departure. And for the past two days, I had the patience to think of choices and consequences as anti-dawdle techniques and I hardly pulled out "the tone". Stark contrast to last week.

This isn't to say I don't need Tom. Of course I need him in parenting, God designed parenthood this way. I need him to consult with and figure out how to parent. But maybe the way I've been approaching his role in my share of parenting wrongly? Maybe he isn't "my" relief (as if I'm more important) but the rightful equal and second parent that my kids both need.

On a personal note, I also found it rather personally liberating that Tom wasn't here. Logistically, I didn't "have" to get a real dinner on the table (not that Tom has ever demanded dinner on the table; it just comes with the territory of waiting for him to come home to eat together). I wanted to cook real dinner for good nutrition's sake I didn't want to spend two days on pre-prepared meals or take out. I didn't have to worry whether he thinks I'm doing enough housework or doing enough well enough. I didn't have to resent if he wanted to run out to OSH leaving me with kids. I didn't have to calculate in my brain whether he should be helping out more with the kids or not. It's a strange liberation to be responsible for everything.

I'm conflicted about whether it's an unhealthy thing in a marriage to feel like I got a little breathing room in spouse's absence. It's a milestone for me that it didn't bother me that he didn't call today until his plane touched down and that I'm not waiting by the door waiting for him to walk in. But otherwise, the kids are both bathed and in bed, the dishes are done, the playroom is tidy, two loads of laundry in the works and most importantly, I have a positive outlook. I think I did pretty well these past two days.